Stop Explaining Yourself to Your Ex

It would’ve taken too many words to explain it to him. And I couldn’t find a way to put it to him that would a) make things make more sense, and b) make him see things my way. I even put it into AI and it still sounded like I was trying to prove a point to him that, once I looked at it objectively, didn’t even matter.

See, when we’re in a high conflict divorce, it’s infuriating when our ex sends a text or an email more or less accusing us of doing something we most certainly did not do. You all know this tone. It has a holier-than-thou, you-are-a-total-screw-up-and-I’ve-been-waiting-for-you-to show-your-ass kind of tone. And somehow, you’ve done it. Or actually, you more likely haven’t done anything; there was probably just some kind of misunderstanding, and you haven’t had an opportunity to share your side of the story. And it’s natural to want to share your side of the story—we humans always want a chance to explain ourselves, to be heard, especially if we’ve made a mistake, or if someone thinks we have. And in a normal, healthy, co-parenting situation, you get to do that. You get to say, “Oh! Here’s why that thing you thought was gonna happen didn’t happen,” and the other parent gets to say, “Oh! OK.”

But not in high-conflict.

If for some reason you think it’s important to explain your side of the story to your ex, please, I’m begging you, think again. Because when you start to explain yourself, you open the door to more criticism, more commentary, and more communication. All bad things when you’re trying to parallel parent.

If your coparent is a narcissist, I’m here to remind you too that they do not give a rat’s ass about your side of the story. They CAN’T. It’s not in their genetic makeup. So, to waste your precious Qi on any sort of explanation is just that: a total waste.

You with me?

Explaining ourselves might help us feel better in the moment. We may give some thought to what actually happened; we want our coparent to understand our logic, our reasoning. We are actually trying to get along, to smooth things out, to clear up the disconnect whatever it is. Carefully examining our language helps us—we put a positive reframe on it, maybe even thank them (because we’re trying to remember the “Friendly” part of the BIFF response) for staying on top of whatever it is we’re discussing. But see, it’s not a discussion. It’s a trap. It’s a dangling hook called Negative Intimacy that, once you bite, will drag you through the pond by your face.

Instead, we can remember a few key points about our coparent—and about ourselves—that will help us let go of the need to explain and instead end the conversation quickly and efficiently with as little contact as possible.

1. There’s no one watching you – no judge, no lawyers, nobody. If you’re currently in a court battle and maybe possibly there really are judges and lawyers involved, even then don’t explain things to your ex. I know there’s a lot of fear that every accusation is going to appear in court and solidify a belief that our ex has painted of us as bad parents. But trust me, just respond to the things that need your response and then lay out the actual explanation logically and clearly in your handy documentation system. The judge can read it later if they want to. Then you look like the one who’s de-escalating things, and your ex doesn’t have any extra ammo to blow up your life.

• There’s no you – in this situation (and spiritually, if you wanna go there), there’s no self here to defend. When we’re dealing with emotionally immature or personality disordered folks, there is no possible way to explain yourself that would make your co-parent see your side. They can’t even SEE YOU. So, when you start to type that email where you’re like, “Ok, here’s what happened…” remember: some of these people are literally missing the grey matter to grok what you’re saying. No empathy = no possibility of understanding. And in a lot of these instances, the less identified we are with Our Selves, the less shits we give if they’re making stuff up about us.

• Drop it – It’s a hard pill to swallow but one we need to get good at. I cannot tell you the number of times I’ve had a very reasonable, relatable explanation for my coparent of why things went the way they did, knowing that if I tried to explain it would only create more arguments, more accusations, and more explanations from him as to why I was still wrong. Letting it go was actually the sanest option. The first rule of jiu jitsu, as my teacher always said: “Avoid the Fight at All Costs.” So even if you see the opportunity to throw a quick jab sometimes, honestly, the best defense is to walk the fuck away.

My straight up advice is to practice letting a lot of this stuff go. We’ve most likely been in a strong habit of defending ourselves because we were married to someone who blamed us for a lot of things—things we never did or things that weren’t our fault. Like a cornered dog, our first and most likely ingrained response is to bark back, to stand up for ourselves, to make a strong case for The Truth. Unfortunately, when we’re dealing with other humans, sometimes Our Truth and Their Truth will never match up, no matter how hard we try to explain. So any chance you get to work with the lies, the misunderstandings, the tall tales about how things went with your coparent, practice letting go of the ones you can let go of. That “fight” feeling will slowly become less of an instinct and over time your nervous system will thank you for knowing that sometimes, there’s nothing to defend yourself against at all.