Fakesgiving
A long time ago, I had to get comfortable with the idea that I was not going to spend every important holiday with my kids. From the end of October to the start of each New Year, divorced families all over the U.S. have to navigate the delicate subject of who gets the kids when. If you’ve created a good parenting agreement and have a coparent who will stick to it, then the holidays can flow without much fuss or—if you’re like me—communication. Nonetheless, it is patently sad for all of us to have to figure out how to spend these special times of the year without our kids around.
At times like this, divorce coaches across the internet will tell you to create your own traditions; to not be so attached to the actual holiday day itself. But if the calendar falls in such a way that Halloween, Thanksgiving, Christmas or Hannukah, and heck, maybe even a birthday, all happen on “not your days,” it can evoke a kind of grief that feels like loss. For divorced parents with joint custody, there are endless reasons to miss our children—not being able to tuck the kids in at night, not being the parent who gets to take the kids home after their team wins the match, and certainly, not waking up with their kid on the morning of any one of these special days. It’s an exhaustive list, the potential opportunities to grieve, because we all know time is short and moves at breakneck speed, and time with our children is always running out. Being divorced almost 10 years now, I kind of go through this a lot.
Enter “Fakesgiving.” Since my ex and I alternate having the kids each year on Thanksgiving my mother, in her infinite wisdom, decided that we would have Thanksgiving whenever we damn well pleased. We started out having turkey and all the fixin’s, but over the years have evolved to swapping the turkey for roast chicken, or even having barbeque, just because we felt like it. My sister, also divorced, lives in Panama, and she and my nephew will occasionally come visit in early November, so we usually celebrate all together then. We call it “Fakesgiving,” and it has become one of my family’s most treasured traditions.
Being a divorce coach, I’m supposed to tell you too, that on those years where your kids are with their other parent, you should cherish those holidays that you have to yourself. Embrace the peace and solitude of a quiet (cold, hopefully snowy) Christmas morning! Treat yourself to a massage on your kid’s birthday because you were the one who pushed that child out! And maybe that kind of therapeutic approach works for you. But I will also say this: you must honor your grief. Being divorced, we miss out on certain, if not many, things in our children’s lives, and we just have to be ok with it. One minute we were there for everything, and the next we are gone from the occasion. In a high conflict divorce, we might not even get to speak to our kids on these days. Honoring our grief becomes important then because otherwise we are left with the uncomfortable emptiness and a loss of control.
I think there are three ways to help us truly honor our grief:
1. Recognize that being divorced and the feelings that go along with it are genuinely hard.
2. Given that our relationship with our kids is meaningful and special, acknowledge that our own particular flavor of sadness is unique to us.
3. Remember that we are not alone in our sadness; that divorced parents across the globe feel the same way that we do at this very moment, and we can wish for the alleviation of that sadness for us all.
When we allow our grief the dignity of its existence, we are better able to arrive in the present moment with openness. We may not be with our kids on Thanksgiving, but when we’ve woken up that morning and taken ourselves for a walk in the early autumn light, drank our coffee on the couch with journal in hand, and held the loss we feel with tenderness, then we can show up for whatever new tradition the holiday brings.
Creating Fakesgiving was a way for me and my kids to remember to cherish the time we do have. We might miss out on a lot of special dates, but we don’t have to fight with their other parent about it, let alone let it ruin the occasion. Ghost writing for divorced parents I once saw an email argument where one high-conflict parent pleaded with her ex to let the child be with her on this one special day. She created an exhaustive list of their traditions, how the child would be devastated that they were not together (the child was not) and, down to the last hour, continued to send emails demanding that the child be with her, even though their agreement was clear on the details of the day. We mustn’t do this to ourselves. We can’t cling to the “specialness” of a calendar day when we are perfectly capable of adapting, of teaching our children that flexibility is a superpower, and that we can celebrate a holiday together whenever we damn well please.
My final advice for the holidays is not your typical divorce coach-y advice. Yes, create new traditions and yes, take yourself out for something nice when you’re alone. For sure. And: look around for more things to love. Divorce can feel very lonely at times, so we must turn our gaze toward the things that we want to love more. Let the fragility of life and the rapid passing of time inspire us to love more, and love fiercely, especially when we are reminded that our kids will move on from us in many ways. By loving what is, we are able to let go of control and appreciate how special all our days are, regardless of the calendar.
