Drinking the Poison

My ex is a grudge-holder. In our marriage, days would go by, even weeks maybe, where he would not talk to me. He was mad about something; often it was unclear about what, nonetheless, he would storm around the house, silent, pretending not to hear or even see me. Most of the time I never found out why he was angry, but I knew that somehow it was his way of punishing us both for something I’d (maybe?) done. He was hurting and he made it known not through healthy communication, but through trying to make me hurt just as much.

Suffice it to say, when a marriage like that ends, your ex does not magically start articulating their feelings to you. From the moment the word divorce was uttered, the silent treatment began, and, if you can believe it, has continued now, 10 years later. At first, as in our marriage, I tried desperately to engage. Emailing about the kids, what they needed for school or activities or their health, hoping to parent, separate but together. His responses, if they came at all, were merely tirades, his attempts to take the parenting reins, to prove that I was the problem. It wasn’t parallel parenting at first, although eventually it became that. It was a grudge, and he held to it with some principle and force that I would never understand.

There is significant research on the psychological and physiological effects of holding a grudge. The studies report that harboring resentment can actually negatively impact both the mental and physical health of the person who holds the grudge—not the person against whom the grudge is held. Many of my coaching clients start out themselves with real grudges against their ex. And while it’s understandable that they may have done things to become the enemy, in no way is it in our best interest to perpetuate the feelings of resentment, disgust, and even hatred towards them. It really is like that old adage; grudges are like drinking the poison and expecting the other person to die.

Here are some key findings:

1. The Psychological Cost of Holding a Grudge

• Your mind stays stuck on high alert: Holding a grudge keeps old moments looping in your head, which fuels stress, anxiety, and emotional agitation.
• It feeds depression: Rumination and resentment reinforce negative thought patterns, which research links to increased depressive symptoms.
• It chips away at well-being: People who hold grudges consistently report less happiness, less ease, and lower overall life satisfaction.

2. The Physical Toll of Holding a Grudge

• Your body reacts like the threat is still happening: Replaying a grudge can raise heart rate and blood pressure, putting the body into a chronic stress response that strains the heart over time.
• Your immune system takes a hit: Ongoing resentment keeps stress hormones elevated, which can weaken immune defenses and increase susceptibility to illness.
• Cortisol stays elevated: Chronic stress from unresolved anger is linked to higher cortisol levels, contributing to sleep issues, weight changes, and metabolic imbalance.

3. The Impact on Relationships and Connection

• Relationships suffer: Holding grudges erodes trust, fuels conflict and often leads to emotional distance or isolation.
• Empathy narrows: When resentment takes over, compassion shrinks — making it harder to see others clearly or engage without defensiveness.

While I’ve blamed my ex for the negativity that exists between us, I have to admit that my own thoughts about him haven’t all been forgiveness and compassion. For a long time my “forgiveness” and “compassion” were more like apathy towards him, and pity. I’ve realized that part of my practice of letting go is to find a place where I’m not actively angry with him. And because I know not doing so affects my own well-being, I’ve had to devote a lot of energy, attention, and time to changing that.

What really made it all land for me was a book called “Love Your Enemies” by the two great Buddhist teachers Sharon Salzberg and Robert Thurman. In it, they talk about how perceiving a person as our enemy is a detriment to our own well-being and, if you wanna go there, to our enlightenment. The point is, in our enemies we have an opportunity to free ourselves from being bound to someone through hatred and negativity, and to learn with deep understanding that we are all human, we are all imperfect, and that it’s better for us to be free than to be right.

The thing I love most about being a divorce coach is watching this specific transformation for my clients. Believe me, some co-parents are really hard to love, their bad behavior taking on pretty epic proportions, not just to their ex, but even to their kids. And frankly, no one is asking you to love your ex. It’s really more about loving yourself enough to let go of resentment and the damage it does to you—body, mind, and spirit. When my coaching clients stop doing things like trying to control their coparent, or even, like I did a lot, poking the bear, their anxiety lowers, their health improves, they’re more resilient, and they have stronger relationships with their kids. And while my ex may want to continue to sabotage his own health and happiness to try to show me how angry he is, I am sure as hell not going down like that.