Divorce Remorse

I often see posts in parenting groups where someone is debating divorce, seeking advice. While there are many reasons why people get divorced—unresolved issues despite therapy, unmet emotional needs, or ongoing unhappiness—there are some marriages that end because of ongoing conflict, aggression, and abuse. Whatever the reason, the question is always whether to give up time with our kids in order to salvage what’s left of our lives in hopes of finding peace.

In this way, divorce brings with it a unique form of grief, especially when parents struggle with being apart from their kids and adjusting to a lack of control over their lives. When you have a high conflict ex, there’s also the relief that comes from the absence of fear and anger that was ever-present in your marriage. Because of this, it’s all too easy to fall into what I call “divorce remorse,” a pattern of mourning the loss of time with your kids while at the same time cherishing the freedom and relief from being away from the drama of a high-conflict spouse.

But I think the holidays bring up “divorce remorse” for all divorced families. Over the years, I’ve learned to enjoy my Thanksgivings and Christmases to myself, finding ways to travel, see family, or spend time on the couch. I know I’m missing out on time with my kids, but I’ve learned to cultivate a feeling of appreciation for the freedom and spaciousness of solitude. In divorce, we have to do both: we must be able to hold the sadness of loss with the peacefulness of our independence all at once. And we must hold both without allowing guilt to set in. For all of us, the choice for divorce was in some way a necessity; there was no way for us to live sustainably with our partners without modeling for our kids that it’s ok to tolerate being unloved. There’s no space for regret in that choice. So instead, remember to allow yourself to appreciate your freedom and simultaneously, gently, honor your grief. Then, all of your moments—with and without your children—become precious.