Why I’m Starting a Meditation Group for Divorced People

I’m in a lot of social media groups for divorced folks. Local ones, but also national; and I read a ton in the field. So every day, multiple times a day, I’m engaging with people who are getting and who have gotten a divorce. If you’ve read any of my other writings you know that I talk mostly about parallel parenting in a high-conflict divorce. But I also talk about Buddhism. Maybe you haven’t noticed that one, and that’s kind of deliberate. I’m not totally overt with it, well, not always, but I do enjoy scattering the teachings throughout my posts. That’s because meditation has been the single most important tool for healing in my own divorce, and I think it’s time to share the benefits I’ve experienced from it with you.

You wouldn’t think that meditation and high conflict divorce would be such a helpful pairing. The near constant anxiety, the anger, frustration and resentment of dealing with a coparent who can neither parent constructively nor collaboratively wouldn’t make you want to sit quietly on a cushion for 5 minutes every day, let alone 20 or 30. And for a long time that was the case for me. While I went into my separation and divorce with a strong and consistent meditation practice, I was so jacked up on adrenaline all the time I could barely sit still with my thoughts. In fact, every waking thought was about what to put in my agreements, how to respond to my soon to be ex’s menacing emails, and figuring out a schedule that worked for solo parenting—there was no way I was going to be able to just sit and focus on my breath.

But you know what, I did it anyway.

Truth be told, if one can judge a meditation practice (which one does not necessarily need to do), mine at the time sucked. I would sit for 15 minutes, which I barely made it through, while my thoughts rolled over the abovementioned topics at breakneck speed. Physically, I always felt like I had one finger in an electric socket, so I was unsettled, uneasy, and my thoughts were stressful and unrelenting. I’d catch myself reeling in thought—the last email he sent accusing me of doing something I most certainly was not doing, the important thing I needed to remember to tell my attorney—and come back to my breath for about a half a second before my thoughts were off and running again. It was like corralling a puppy on a 10 foot leash when a squirrel was about 12 feet away. Yank, yank, yank.

This is one reason I want to create a meditation group for divorced people. Especially if you’re in high conflict, I reckon you’re dealing with a lot of the same shit. And if you’re anything like me, it would be really nice to sit down for a moment with the intention of being peaceful, alongside (albeit virtually) some other people who totally know how I feel. The word in Pali is Sangha, the community, and we need each other as a refuge, a shelter in the storm. A place where we intentionally rally towards calm together when the calm in our lives feels very out of reach.

This is also the second reason I want to create a meditation group for divorced people.

These divorce groups I’m a part of do a great job of creating community that is centered around sympathy and understanding of what we’ve all been through. People come to ask questions about everything from finding a lawyer to how to deal with a narcissistic ex; from parenting to money to dating again. And the comments reflect the diverse experiences we’ve all had—some people offer legit advice from the battlefield, and others chime in with their own stories, illustrating how poorly, or wonderfully, a similar situation went for them. Sometimes there are victories—a new job for a mom re-joining the workforce—and sometimes someone gets on there who just needs a safe space to vent. Regardless of why we’re in these groups, it’s clear they serve a valuable purpose—to help us feel less alone in a situation that has the potential to feel very lonely and frankly, very bad.

Commiseration is a powerful tool, but some of what I see, if someone isn’t offering straight up advice, is what we call ‘colluding’ in the high conflict divorce world. It’s where that common thread we share allows us to just dish together, forgetting our bigger purpose of lifting each other up. Granted, sometimes upliftment is hard to do in those settings, mostly because the situations a lot of these divorced folks are in are pretty awful. And those of us who know how awful it can be want to send a fist bump to the person on the other side of the screen to validate both their feelings, as well as our own for having gone through it. But commiseration just lets us circle the drain, and if we’re not careful we can stay stuck there under the thumb of our ex’s manipulation tactics, responding in the same old ways to them, feeling powerless and afraid for a very long time.

This meditation group is a way for us to have both things. We come together in the spirit of solidarity to find community together in our shared experience of divorce, and we meet with the purpose of finding new ways to hold the difficult emotions we’re experiencing, no matter where we are in our divorce. Grief, anger, fear, loneliness, frustration, confusion are universal to human living, but these feelings have a unique expression when we’re divorced. So having a safe container within the framework of the Buddhist teachings, and sharing that space together, I hope, will be the support for the difficulties and the joys we have in common.

So, here’s the deal: we’ll meet virtually every other Thursday from 7:30-8:30pm EST. We’ll do a meditation together—sometimes silent, sometimes guided—then we’ll have a brief talk on a teaching that’s relevant to divorce. That means we’ll look specifically at issues like parenting, conflict, all the feelings, and pretty much everything anyone could possibly encounter in their divorce, followed by a short group discussion. If you haven’t ever meditated before, or been in an “official” meditation group, don’t let that deter you from coming; the group will be supportive and relevant for both new and experienced practitioners. And don’t be put off by the whole “Buddhist” thing. Buddhism is technically not a religion—there is no God, no theistic principle, and no dogma one has to follow to learn from it. The Buddha taught ideas, thoughts and tools for making it through this human existence with the hope that we will suffer less. And, in the spirit of being a true Sangha, you can join the group by donation. Pay what you can to participate.

Go here to get all the details and sign up: https://justtobywedgle.com/the-divorce-collective/

I hope to see you there!