Why We Can’t Have Nice Things

You probably know by now the memes and blogs (like this one!) on parallel parenting with a narcissist or high-conflict ex that tell you to have your own set of all the things your kids need at your house. This is a brilliant tactic that will allow you to have the extra pair of ballet slippers or soccer cleats so that when someone forgets to bring on transition day, you don’t have to ask your ex for it. It cuts way down on communication which thereby cuts way down on the possibility of more conflict. And it’s a great idea—it makes you feel real empowered the first time it happens because, when your kid is like, “Oh dang I forgot my cleats,” you get to be Mom-Hero of the year and be like, “It’s cool; I’ve got you.” But, if I’m being completely honest, if you’re going to do this (which you absolutely should), you’re going to want to have your very own budget category in your finances labeled “The Things I Must Continue to Purchase Because My Ex Never Brings Them Back to My House.”

Parallel parenting was a revelation for me. I didn’t have to talk to my ex about everything. I didn’t have to harmoniously coparent with someone with whom I could not harmoniously coparent.  And frankly, I felt good, and often still do, when I was flush with cash (or Amazon rewards) and could purchase the things my kids needed to have at my house so they wouldn’t have to worry about schlepping them back from dad’s. But when the things I spent my money on kept staying at dad’s house, I started to feel a little less great about it. Because when you buy a nice thing and it goes to dad’s on its way home from school and it never makes its way back to your place, you’re stuck deciding whether to have your kids ask for the thing back, or if you ask for it (both of which generally result in the thing NEVER coming back to your house again), or sucking it up and buying another one.
Because of this phenomenon, I have purchased an inordinate amount of the following things for my kids:

Lunch boxes
Lunch thermoses
Water bottles
Socks
Headphones
Phone chargers
Yearbooks
Toiletries (toothbrushes, hair products, deodorant, skin care, you name it)

The complaint here is not that we have to get these things for our kids, it’s that no mother in the course of a school year should have to purchase them 5 or 6 times. Ok, well, maybe the socks during a growth spurt but otherwise, no. And no matter how resourced you are, these things do add up; and it sucks. Because the fact of the matter is we’re divorced from someone with whom we cannot communicate—we can’t ask for the stash of water bottles or lunch boxes that ended up at their house and never made it back to ours, even though these are things the kids need for their day to day lives. We should be able to ask, a quick text or email to request a quick drop off or pick up, but in high-conflict divorce, it only results in an argument, an accusation; an assumption that you were the problem. I remember asking for a thermos once; it did not end well.

So, in honor of being the truth-teller of parallel parenting, I want to offer some support for the after-effects of the wonderful idea of having a second set of things at your house. The straight facts are that you WILL have to make extra purchases, and you WILL have to keep your exasperation about having to make those purchases to yourself. Once, I gave a heavy sigh around my daughter when, on our way out the door for school, we realized there were no water bottles in the house and she, hearing my irritation said, “Don’t be like that mom, you don’t know how hard it is to bring everything back and forth from two houses.”

Heard.

What to do when the budget line creeps up and up and up….

1. What can I let go of? This is one of the most meaningful questions we can ask ourselves in these moments. Maybe I can let go of being frustrated with this whole situation, or the fact that this is what my life looks like. Maybe I can let go of feeling annoyed with my kids for not remembering to bring things back even though I’ve reminded them innumerable times. Maybe I can let go of my kid needing to wear matching socks today. Whatever it is, wherever I can let go of an expectation, of clinging to having things be a certain way, the less upset I’ll feel about the situation.
 
2. Become a “Divorce Prepper.” Most times I am so underprepared for an emergency. But I do try to make sure that I have enough to buy a couple extra water bottles when they go on sale. I’m not saying you have to set money aside, but at the very least, expect that you’ll have to make extra purchases pretty much every month. When there’s a BOGO special on socks or shampoo or Tupperware, take advantage of that and stock up.
 
3. Surrender, Dorothy. No, we are not in Kansas anymore. We are in a high conflict divorce, and this is just kinda the way it is. That $20 hair gel your daughter needed so badly, it went to dad’s. That $30 electric razor you got your son for his peach fuzz, you’ll never see it again. It’s gone to the Land of Oz, and you have no ruby slippers to get that shit back. That’s just the way it is, doll. When I let this piss me off, I suffer.  But when I acknowledge that this kind of divorce is not a fair one, and that that is neither personal nor a punishment, then I can yield, rather than resist.
 
Look, I’m not saying this will ever be fair. And I’m not saying you should be happy about it. But we do, in a way, have to have a healthy amount of resignation when it comes to co-parenting with a high-conflict ex. In Buddhism they talk about what’s called the “Second Arrow.” The idea is that there’s the initial suffering, which is just a part of this human life—I am divorced, and sometimes it’s expensive. Then, there’s the Second Arrow, which is the suffering I add to it—this isn’t fair, my ex is a terrible person, why me? If we just allow ourselves to accept that sometimes having that recommended set of second things at our house is a great and wonderful thing and sometimes it’s super frustrating and a drag, well, then, here we are. It’s part and parcel of parallel parenting. And when you look at the big picture—the freedom to parent your kids with less conflict—spending a few extra bucks on the things your kids need is totally worth it.