I think some of the most painful moments of my life have not been experiences that I’ve lived through, but rather things that have happened only in my mind. Yes, without a doubt, life has handed us trials that required all our resolve and resources to endure. And, to be fair, I have created my fair share of shitstorms all by my big self. My thoughts have at times been an enemy worse than any one human in real life.
When it came to my ex, those thoughts used to reach a fever pitch. The times when the conflict was really high, I would be consumed with thoughts that sadistically felt productive at the time but really were a complete waste of ch’i. The fights we would never have, the courtroom drama that would never come to pass, I would say the same things in my head over and over, a broken record, pissed off and powerless. Somehow it felt cathartic but really it was just jerking off.
When I finally figured out that I was exhausting myself, wasting my precious energy on an imaginary disaster over and over and over, I realized I was the addict, the alcoholic reaching for the drink; I was engaging in harmful behaviors, whether or not my ex was actually doing anything, and punishing myself with the results.
Over the years I’ve created a number of tricks to try and stop the barrage of unwanted storytelling but so far, the most wise and helpful counsel has come from the Buddha himself. In one teaching from the 5th Century BCE (not much has changed in the way of human neurosis since then, I guess), he lays out how to stop unwanted thoughts from taking over the mind. Now, I am a huge proponent of examining our feelings, staying with them even when they’re uncomfortable, and tending to them. But let it be known that sometimes our thoughts are like monkeys in the zoo, recklessly swinging around, throwing shit, and screaming. Sometimes, our thoughts do not need deep, compassionate attention. Sometimes, they just need to be tamed.
The Buddha’s instruction on the five ways to stop unwanted thoughts is as follows:
1. Replace the thought
2. Examine the drawbacks of the thought
3. Ignore the thought
4. Calm the thought formation
5. Restrain the mind
Picture yourself at your kitchen sink, kids on their devices (after homework, of course), you, lost in thought as you wash dishes over some bs thing your ex emailed you about that infuriated you. Your ex wouldn’t pay for something, or held a teacher meeting without you, or disagreed with a medical intervention your kid needs. Pick your poison.
Let’s say this is the 10th time you’ve watched yourself go around with this one. You’ve looked at the feelings underneath the story you’re telling yourself. He’s doing this to piss me off… I feel so helpless to stop him… The kids will suffer for this, and I can’t bear it…. You’ve given yourself lovingkindness, done your deep breathing and gone for a long walk, done everything you know to help yourself process the emotions behind the situation. And still, you’re trapped in your head and the story your thoughts are telling you.
Buddha’s teachings to the rescue.
1. Replace the thought. Find something more supportive, positive, or healthy to think instead of the things you’re thinking. “He’s doing this to piss me off” becomes “He’s doing this because he thinks he’s caring for the kids in the only way he knows how.” Find a more compassionate spin on what you’re thinking and see if that slows the tirade.
2. Examine the drawbacks. If I watch my heartrate rise, see how out of control I feel while I’m caught in this loop, the drawbacks to thinking these thoughts are palpable. Ask yourself, “do I really want to go there?” How would I feel if someone else, someone wise and thoughtful, knew I was engaging in this kind of thinking? If I’m aware of the downsides, I’m more likely to choose another thought.
3. Ignore the thought. I’m not talking about suppression here (remember, we’ve already spent time with our feelings on the subject). I’m talking about not feeding our demons, the ones that send us down the track of feeling wound up and angry. We can tune out a lot in our lives, so why not just tune out these thoughts sometimes, too?
4. Calm the thought formation. This has to do with looking at the feelings beneath the triggered thoughts and then giving some compassionate attention to them. Rather than continuing to feed the downward imaginary spiral, try getting beneath it to see what you’re actually feeling. Then, name and acknowledge that with mindfulness.
5. Restrain the mind. This was actually the most helpful tool for me. When all else failed, I took a firm, “Not today, Satan” attitude towards the thoughts EVERY TIME they came up. What this did was dig a new neural pathway, so that instead of going down the same rut, I changed directions and paved a new groove.
Every time we become aware of the unwanted thoughts, whether we’re 10 seconds in or 10 minutes, we have the opportunity to become mindful and to make another choice. We’re not doing this to change anyone but ourselves, which is more helpful in a high-conflict divorce than you’d think. The less attention we give to the useless story that repeats itself, the more attention we have for the things that matter.
