You Are Worth Supporting
In the course of a day, I encounter a lot of shit. Between what I lovingly call my “day job” as an acupuncturist and my passion project of divorce coaching, plus being a mom of two teens, a lot can happen in a day that feels intense, overwhelming, and just plain upsetting. I see a lot of people who believe that they don’t have the time or energy to do things to take care of themselves. Their divorce is too stressful, their kids’ schedules are too hectic, they have too much pain and trauma in their history to be able to gather the resources to make a healthy dinner or get a good night’s sleep. But what I’ve learned over decades of being in healing professions, and in being a single mom, is that if I’m not my strongest self, I’m no good to anyone. Likewise for my patients and clients, I know there are solutions to all of it. The stressors, the trauma, the fact that there aren’t enough hours in a day, there are solutions that I myself have used to replenish my reserves, support my kids, and continue to honor that, while I may be struggling, I can still feel safe, strong, and free.
I offer solutions because I know they work. Through my own explorations I’ve come to some things that I think, no matter how fucked up the world is or feels, really actually help. Help you feel safe, help you feel like you can handle things, help you feel a modicum of peace, and help you get up and do it all again the next day.
Whether you need these to help you get through your divorce, or just through your day, here are those things.
1. Trust in the Benevolence of the Universe. The story I tell myself is often worse than what’s happening in reality, and it’s very easy to believe that things are, or are going to be, worse than they are. One of the most beneficial changes I made to my mindset was that the Universe was, as Astrologer Rob Brezsny said, conspiring to support me. When I believed that, instead of the terrible things I thought were happening to me, I felt calmer and had a deeper sense of trust that things were going to work out for the benefit of everyone involved—me, my kids, and yes, maybe even my ex. Put as much if not more energy into remembering that the Universe (God, or whomever), is not going to drop kick you.
2. Get to know your Vagus Nerve. Vagal tone is the buzz phrase now and there’s a good reason for it. Your vagus nerve runs from your brain, through your throat, and down into all your vital organs. It’s the largest cranial nerve in our bodies and it regulates pretty much everything. Breathing, the peristalsis of the colon, the pace of your heart, the tension in your neck, throat, and jaw are just some of the functions under the domain of the vagus nerve. Vagal tone includes our ability to regulate yep, you guessed it, the fight/flight/freeze response. My favorite daily (daily) practice is to stretch and massage the trajectory of the vagus nerve: around my eyes, both sides of my jaw, neck, under the collarbone, chest, diaphragm (gently press your fingers under your rib cage as you exhale), and clockwise around my belly. I stretch both sides of my neck and take deep breaths and rub my ears a little too. Contacting the vagus nerve moderates our ability to move quickly and easily from a state of panic back to a state of calm. When I would get an email from my ex, I would fly into fight mode, so I had to calm my ass down before I did anything. Regulation is the name of the game and supporting the vagus nerve is the answer.
3. Take care of your cortisol levels. Stress is the enemy, and when you’re getting a divorce, your stress levels can be through the roof, especially when there’s a lot of conflict. I honestly believe that a big part of why I was able to sleep well, had energy to work, parent, and exercise, and did not put on tons of weight during my divorce was because I was taking supplements to support balanced cortisol output. The disclaimer here is that not everyone can take all the various adaptogens (the kinds of herbal or nutritional supplements that directly balance our adrenal glands), but safe ones to try are Holy Basil and Phosphatidyl Serine if you’re feeling ramped up and jittery a lot of the time, and Ashwaganda if you’re exhausted. Get a healthcare practitioner who can help you find the right mix if you need it.
4. Go to bed early. I know, I know, the kids go to bed and it’s like, “my time at last.” I see so many single parents who, after the kids are asleep, feel like they want to stay up late, have a glass of wine, scroll on their phone, and relax. But this habit pushes you past the window of when your circadian rhythm is working for you. Working against your circadian rhythm like that doesn’t allow you to get enough REM, deep, or just plain hours of sleep. And then we are less resilient the next day, our thoughts are harder to control, and we don’t have enough energy to do the shit we need to do.
5. Cultivate your supportive relationships and leave your ex out of it. It’s one thing to spend meaningful time with our besties, catching up and talking about the latest book we’ve read. It’s another to spend that time bitching about our ex. Don’t waste the opportunity to have an uplifting conversation by dishing and complaining about the latest crap your ex has pulled. They’re your friendships, so deepen them and don’t bring your ex’s energy into it.
6. Remember to fucking eat and eat well. Busy parents will throw themselves around all day and not eat or not eat properly and then wonder why they are irritable, exhausted, can’t sleep, and can’t focus. Here’s why, straight up: your blood sugar isn’t regulated. Starting your day off with a big bowl of oatmeal with strawberries may seem like the healthy option but honey I’m here to tell you it’s not. Learning to make your blood sugar work for you is a half-marathon, but once you get the hang of it you are setting yourself up for a lifetime of days with consistent moods, energy, and weight. My one honest, life-changing suggestion is to read The Glucose Revolution by Jesse Inschauspe and do everything she tells you. Making sure you are eating the right way all day long is the secret to feeling like you are in control of your emotions and your day.
7. Develop lovingkindness for yourself first, everyone else next, and then, maybe later, your ex. There are numerous studies on the benefits of practicing what’s known in Buddhism as Metta, or Lovingkindness for ourselves and others. When I began using Metta more regularly in my own meditation practice, I tried (I really tried) to practice it for my ex too. But I found myself feeling too angry, resentful, and hurt to even think about sending compassionate energy in his general direction. Nonetheless, it’s healthy and positive to develop some kind of lovingkindness practice—whether you’re in formal meditation or just sitting in traffic—for yourself, your loved ones, strangers, and all beings everywhere. AND, you have permission to leave out your ex until you’re ready. There’s no free pass for compassion; eventually after that muscle is developed, you’ll feel ok about practicing Metta with them, too. And that, my friends, will set you free, no matter how much of an ass they are.
If you do nothing else, just remember that you are worth taking care of. You deserve to feel good—no, not just good, amazing. The strength and health of everyone who needs you depends on how strong and healthy you are feeling. So, carry yourself with the knowledge that self-care is care for others. And remember this: working on and taking care of and transforming our own shit is a legitimate act of collective healing.
