The Safety of Good Boundaries

Soon after I separated from my husband, I decided to take up Brazilian Jiu Jitsu. It actually started with enrolling my kids and morphed into me joining the adult classes soon after. I loved it—the comradery, the insane amount of hard work, and the exhilaration of getting my ass kicked over and over. Not to mention the self-defense piece. But the real benefit for me was meeting the people who had been there for years, who I would begin to call friends, and who showed me what it’s like to be strong, forceful, and kind.

See, I had it all wrong in my head. I thought being a strong and empowered woman meant I was untouchable; I said what meant and meant what I said even if people didn’t like it. All qualities I pretty much sucked at anyway, and could only muster if I was backed into a corner, furious. I thought fighting for my space, my needs, my well-being was the only way I could feel safe in the world—and that I literally had to fight for it. Not for nothing, I had the experience to prove it, too. In my marriage, I lacked boundaries, I said “yes” when I meant “no,” I let my husband’s needs dictate what I did, who I saw, and how I lived because I was afraid of confrontation. Then, when I was fed up, lost, and too angry to make a clear request, I ended up in a huge fight, trying to set boundaries when it was way too late. And while his personality helped foster that kind of relationship, I’m accountable for the fact that I let him.

But then, here were these people in Jiu Jitsu, every one of them friendly, smiling, honest, and totally capable of choking you out. I learned so much from them; I could actually feel their clarity and strength in a conversation off the mat and could literally feel their “no” in a take down or a submission on the mat. Many of us had been through some trauma, but all of us were determined to become stronger, healthier, and more secure. We were all, in some way or another, finding our “no” while making our “yes” that much more meaningful.

Suffice it to say, the people I met at Jiu Jitsu were and still are the nicest people I know. It may seem like an oxymoron—to be able to be ruthless on the mat, and simultaneously, genuinely kind-hearted and thoughtful—but it’s not. It’s what happens when you know yourself, know what you’re capable of, know how strong you are (and where your weaknesses lie), and are willing to own all that without your ego getting involved.

One of my favorite friends at Jiu Jitsu had this to say about rolling with people he didn’t necessarily feel comfortable with, and I think it applies to setting boundaries in real life: “I think of myself as the prettiest girl at the dance,” he said. “I can dance with whomever I choose, but not everybody gets to dance with me if I don’t want to.”