Divorce Curious?

I have a handful of divorce coaching clients—women—that come to me “Divorce Curious,” meaning, they’re thinking about leaving their husbands but aren’t sure if it’s the right choice for them. I remember being in this confusion during my marriage—feeling like I should leave but there were also many very legitimate reasons that I shouldn’t leave. It’s very uncomfortable; there’s a constant back-and-forth in your mind, where every move your partner makes validates either side of that choice. When he’s kind, present, fun to be around you’re convinced you should stay. And when he does whatever it is that makes you want to leave, you’re convinced that now is the time to go. I’ve heard some pretty terrible stories too—when I meet with a client for an initial consultation, sometimes the reasons they give for wanting to leave are, well, insanely obvious reasons to leave. Or at least, obvious reasons to want to leave. Because I understand that when there are children involved, that decision becomes extremely complicated.

The current estimate is that women initiate 69% of the divorces in the US. Take that in for a sec because given the fact (read that word twice: fact) that divorce is more financially destabilizing for women than it is for men, 7 in 10 of us asking for divorce is pretty significant. Women, in general, fare worse than men when they get divorced in all realms except emotionally. Statistically, women tend to thrive once they leave their (unhappy, unsatisfying, abusive, dangerous, take your pick) marriages. Unlike men, who fare better financially but tend to decline physically and emotionally when their wives leave. We could write a whole essay about that, but the analyses state that women do the heavy lifting in the home, carrying the emotional weight, the lion’s share of the housework, and the bulk of the strategic planning of the family, and many of them do this while maintaining a career outside the home. Once they leave, even though they will continue to bear the burden of work and home, they are emotionally better off, nee happier, doing it on their own.

If you’re reading this, I promise it’s not my rallying cry to throw deuces to your husband and leave. But if you’re reading this, and you’re a woman who is thinking about leaving, I want you to know, Gurrrl, you are obviously not alone. Divorce is a hot topic, and once it gets into your Tik Tok algorithm you’ll be thinking about it every time you pick up your phone. Women of all generations, seeing where their husbands miss the mark emotionally, mentally, physically, and sexually; where they aren’t pulling their weight, taking care of themselves or the family, acting out their unconscious and outdated misogynistic tendencies. And we are doing this, currently, while living under the thumb of a government run by narcissists, where rape, robbery, murder and hate are basically “ok.” Pardon my French but yeah, fuck that shit; if it means dealing with more of that male energy, I’d rather be alone.

Regardless of the conditions under which you’re living, I felt I should offer—as one woman who left a situation that deserved leaving, and after a lot of recent Divorce Curious consultations with clients—some straight up advice. If you’re currently in a state of “Should I stay or should I go?” my hope is that this helps you hold the decision with a great deal of kindness towards yourself, and some grace. Because it’s not an easy choice, and I know you’re all just trying to do the right thing:

1. Stop “shoulding” on yourself. Take a good look at yourself and where you’re expecting to get it all right. It’s a dark and depressing myth of womanhood that we are supposed to be able to hold it down at home, work, and relationally all the damn time. And if you’re reading this, then it’s safe to assume that you’re not totally happy in your marriage, which is a drain on your reserves, also all the damn time. Let yourself rest, be still, spend time in nature and alone whenever you can. Be as present as you possibly can be to your kids, rather than in your head about leaving. Let the “should” of leaving or staying go for now. Answers come to us when we are open to them—not when we’re forcing ourselves to figure it all out.
2. Take the onus away from your partner. Instead of constantly seeing them as the problem (even though they are certainly at least half of it), instead of watching their every move to see whether they are or are not doing things right, let that tension go and turn the focus towards your feelings and needs. Do you feel seen? Do you feel heard? Is there still a possibility that he will see and hear you, or what would it take for that to happen? How important are these things to you, really? Hit the pause button on making it about him and make it about you and your needs for communion with another (if you even need that at all). Turn towards yourself for that information.
3. Do you feel safe? Safety has a lot of connotations and in this question, I mean ask yourself about “safe” in all the ways—supported and held, but also living with a feeling of reassurance, predictability, and calm. Even though life is uncertain, your home should feel like a refuge with your partner, not another place where your shields have to go up every time you walk in the door.
4. Get ready. Even if you never, ever leave, even if life gets rosy with your partner, I want you to get your financial shit together. Here in all caps because it matters, ladies: IF YOUR HUSBAND MANAGES ALL THE FINANCES, IF YOU DON’T KNOW THE PASSWORDS TO ALL OF YOUR ACCOUNTS, LET ALONE WHERE ALL YOUR ACCOUNTS ARE HELD, YOUR FIRST STEP IS TO START FINDING OUT WHERE YOUR MONEY IS. I’ve seen everyone from SAHM’s to bread-winner moms say that part of why they’re not leaving, even though they’re certain it’s the right choice, is that they don’t know where their money is. By hook or by crook, or by straight up asking your husband if it’s safe, find out. And if it’s not safe to ask him, then take the opportunities when he is away to start digging.

I wish there was a way for you to simply know. Like, down to your bones know that you were ready or not; know deeply what the right choice for you and your family was. For some of us there is a moment of pure clarity, where we know we’ve reached the end of this chapter in the story of our lives with this person and it’s time to turn the page. But maybe there’s not that at all, and it’s a slow burn to the decision either way. But if every waking moment is filled with “Should I? Shouldn’t I?” all day long, we can’t even hear the wisdom inside us. I wish I could remember what that wisdom felt like in my own story, but I almost can’t grasp it anymore. I just remember begging the stars for an answer, night after night. Every so often I have some tough conversations with my teenagers about the decision to leave my marriage. Hearing how things were for them, I am honestly filled with deep sadness about their experience. But do I regret that I built a life of security, happiness, and peace for us in another home? Never. Not one bit.