The Runaround
Coordinating things with a high-conflict ex can be exhausting. Mostly in our own minds, but certainly in real life, the organization of things like activities, travel, and healthcare all take on a level of difficulty you would associate with something Herculean—like training for an Ironman, or losing 50 pounds. This is because something that “normal” divorced families would be able to navigate with only a modicum of difficulty, the high-conflict divorced parents generally can’t have a single normal conversation about any of it.
Let’s say you are trying to sign your kid up for an activity, one that is in high demand in your community, and sign-up starts on a Monday. You know that if you’re not logged in to sign your kid up when the online portal opens, your kid will be shit out of luck, and their (and thus your) summer will be ruined because they didn’t get into the thing with all their friends (or now they can’t start at the right level till next year… or they lose their place in the lottery… take your pick of the absurd stressors of childhood activity planning). So, one month before sign-up Monday, you email your ex to give them plenty of time to pick dates, times, and agree to share the cost. This is where the mental gymnastics begin.
Things we consider when we’re sending a request to our high-conflict coparent:
1. We must use as few words as possible. The more words, the greater the opportunity for misinterpretation.
2. We must avoid using “I” statements. The sentence, “I’d like to sign the kids up for tennis,” should instead be written, “Tennis sign up starts March 1st.” Making it “your” thing makes it more likely to be triggering for them.
3. We must also watch out for “You” statements. “You haven’t sent in the form,” even if they haven’t sent it, will be perceived as an accusation and will thus require lengthy defending on their part. Better to say, “It looks like the form hasn’t been sent yet.”
4. We must make it clear that there’s a deadline but can’t be too pushy about it. Deadlines generally invite them to drag their feet, so you sweat a little harder about it.
5. We must find a way to demonstrate the kids want this thing. If there’s any indication that you’ve planted the seed of wanting the thing, your ex will blame you for choosing an activity that only you want and will likely shut it down.
Crafting this email takes a lot of time and revision. You’ll write a rough draft and then subject it (and yourself) to many edits before the finished copy goes out. You’ll read and re-read it because if you just type and send you will be filled with doubt and regret that you may have said things the wrong way as you wait to hear back from them.
Which leads to the second round of mental gymnastics. The waiting game.
A high-conflict ex has three tools in their toolbox they employ when coordinating the important events of childhood:
1. Radio silence.
2. Creating chaos.
3. Turning it into an argument.
Somewhat self-explanatory, silence is when your co-parent decides that you have fabricated the deadline and will wait to get back to you until you have to panic to get the thing done (see my blog on The Scramble here). Or they will create chaos by suggesting that there are better tennis schools, other doctors your kids should see for this procedure, or that your trip just happens to coincide with something they were going to do with the kids. Thing is, they don’t offer which tennis schools to check out, which doctor might be better qualified and have no real plans for the trip you’ve actually already planned. If you want them to pay for half of it, or physically bring your kid to it, then you need their ok (if we’re talking shared custody here), so you end up doing that leg work for your kid’s sake. Finally, they could very easily just turn it into an argument by saying tennis was your idea, that the kids really want to do flag football instead, that tennis is your family’s bougie sport and they probably put you up to it, so you’re not thinking of what the kids want at all, you selfish, terrible parent.
Certainly, some good parallel parenting will help you in this situation. Sometimes, you just choose an activity only you will have to manage, take the kid to, and pay for yourself. While it will cost you more money, in the long run you’ll save yourself a ton of suffering. But if doing so will violate your court order, or if there’s no way not to involve the other parent, then you are trapped in the Bardo of waiting for the other parent to show up, organize and plan.
These are just some of the difficult feelings a single parent might feel in situations like these:
– frustration because you can’t just finalize something with ease
– powerlessness because you’re stuck waiting for them to contribute or collaborate
– anxiety around having to fight to take care of the things your kids want and need
– apprehension about whether and how to contact your ex and how to talk to your kids about it
– weariness because you’re so sick and tired of having to go through this as often as you do
Every time I have to enroll my kids in something time sensitive, in high demand, or that they really, really want, I go through all of it. I cycle through these feelings as I carefully write emails, check anxiously for responses so I can move on to the next step, and assuage my kids’ impatience till we can just sign up for the thing. I’ve had any and all of the above responses to my requests, too. And even though I’ve been divorced for 10 years, I have to work to slow myself down to try to get my kids get what they want and not suffer trying to make it happen.
See: the runaround is inevitable, but the suffering is optional.
How not to suffer when coping with The Runaround:
If you absolutely must involve your ex in the planning of a thing, then you must approach the planning of it with a spirit of acceptance and letting go.
– Let go of the timing; your ex may not respond in time to get the thing done
– Let go of the outcome; your kid might not get to do the thing they want
– Let go of having it go your way; just because your ex is doing things on their time or in their style doesn’t mean it won’t still happen
– Let go of control; if you’re stressing about it, it probably means you’re trying to control something that’s out of your hands anyway
– Let go of your ego; you’re still a good parent if you don’t make it happen, even if your ex, your kid, or the false competition of parenthood tells you you’re not
Flexibility is an attribute of all great parents. The ability to ride the waves of parenthood is what allows us to meet the myriad events of our children’s lives with a little grace and hopefully some ease. It goes too for co-parenting, for the universe is filled with difficulties that arise and pass and will continue to do so long after our coparent is more or less out of our lives. The objective is not to try to maneuver things into being exactly as we wish. The goal is frankly for us to stay calm, let go, and trust that things will happen as they are meant to. And, if the activity, appointment, trip or whatever else your kid is getting in to doesn’t happen, help them understand that you did your best and allow them the dignity of their disappointment. Then, move on to start planning the next great adventure in their lives.
