Money and Power, Part 3
Welcome to Part 3 of Money and Power in Divorce! If you missed them, Part 1 and 2 can be found here. And now for some strategies on working with this problem on the micro level—taking your power back through parallel parenting. The truth is, when you’re dealing with someone who is typically inclined to have power over others, money is a great leverage tool. If, during your marriage, your spouse locked you out of bank accounts, gate-kept investments from you, shamed you for purchases you made, or hid their purchases from you, you can pretty much guarantee that they will give you a hard time about money when the marriage is over. Money, in a sense, is energy; a frequency, if you will. And we all resonate with money in different ways. The unconscious beliefs we hold around money—that it’s always there or that it always alludes us—are reflected in our bank accounts. And it’s certainly reflected in our relationship with our ex. In Part 2 I mentioned my own money blind spots; how I gave my money and my power away to my ex by letting him control the finances in our marriage. That choice (that we made, and I agreed to) stemmed from my then unconscious beliefs that I was bad with money and that managing money was the job of the man of the house. So, when it came to my divorce, in order to take genuine control of my own money, I had to understand those beliefs and dismantle them. As soon as I started to change that narrative, I became invested (ha!) in growing my own wealth, providing for my kids myself, and teaching my kids about money and what it means for their own empowerment.
Asking your ex for the money they owe you is about as depressing as it gets. In any of the online divorce groups I’m a part of, at least once a day I see someone asking what they should do when their ex owes them money. The answers typically look like some combination of commiseration, “That’s nothing, my ex owes me…” and resignation, “You’ll never see that money so you might as well….” This is the sad fact of money and power in divorce. If your ex, who maybe has a personality disorder or a high-conflict personality, still strives to control you, money is just another way to do that. But (and I’m going to be brutally honest here), so what? Let’s say that our exes are all narcs and they’re being assholes about money and won’t pay for their kids despite court orders and agreements. Let’s say that all that is true. So what? What, in all honesty, are we going to do about THAT?
Nothing. We do nothing about it. We parent our kids by ourselves, we take care of their needs, and we don’t waste our time or our precious energy on trying to squeeze water from a motherfucking rock.
Here’s how we get out of our heads, and stay out of court, and take care of it all ourselves:
1. Trust the laws of the Universe. This is not meant to be woo-woo, like, “Oh, I’m running out of money this month because my asshole ex wouldn’t pay me the childcare expenses but it’s ok, the universe will take care of me.” No. It’s like Newton’s Third Law of Physics: every action has an equal but opposite reaction. Or straight up, the law of Karma: we reap what we sow. The truth is, we may not see the results in this lifetime (I’m assuming we many of us agree on the concept of lifetimes, but if not, just hang with me here for a second). We may not get to see our ex lose all their money in response to their stinginess towards us in real time, but we have to be ok with that. What we can know is that the consequences of their bad behavior—withholding money from us or their kids—will show themselves eventually. For one thing, it will weaken the bonds they have with their kids and strengthen ours, maybe not today but one day. Whatever the result, every action has a consequence, and we can’t force that to happen, but we can trust that it eventually will.
2. Know your backstop. When we’re angry and scared about money—which is a genuine issue of survival—we may do or say things we don’t mean. We may leap to an action that sets off a chain of reactions we didn’t expect. I’ve seen so many threats thrown around—in my own communications with my ex and in other people’s—that create so much conflict and cost more money than it was ever worth. The point is, it’s important to know what you will and won’t do. Don’t tell your ex you’re gonna take them to court if it’ll cost you more money to hire a lawyer or miss that day of work than it will to just cover their cost of whatever they owe you. Personality disordered people are physiologically missing some of the parts of their brains that help them have both empathy and logical reasoning. Literally: grey matter is absent. This means if you launch into an argument, you may be setting yourself up for more trouble than you bargained for because they don’t, and can’t, care about the consequences of their reactions to you. It’s best to carefully and deliberately enter into the conversation with clear intentions. Know what you will and won’t do, and don’t start a battle you know you can’t win.
3. Know and ask for what you want. In the past, I used to get into things with my ex because they weren’t fair or because I wanted to be right. What I learned though, was those weren’t real reasons to start an argument. I may want things to be fair, but fairness is really a lie. I may want my ex to know that I’m right, but in his mind, he is, and usually there’s no changing anyone’s mind in a conflict. Instead, it’s worth taking the time to figure out what it is we really need—for ourselves and for our kids—and then figure out how we’re going to get it. Sitting with the discomfort of the situation, all the anger and resentment, the disappointment and fear, for our kids and for ourselves, over all the financial difficulties that come with being divorced, is the first step. Often, when I’ve allowed myself to feel sorry for my kids, and yes even a little sorry for myself, I’ve come to some important other feelings that lay beneath the surface—ones that have nothing to do with making my ex see things my way. Then, with the clarity of knowing that what I want is to feel empowered, to feel safe, to maintain my peace, it’s a lot easier to decide what steps I need to take to get there. Sometimes that means writing to my ex and reminding him of the agreements in our court order; sometimes that means working extra hours to make up the costs. When we get clear on what we really want—beyond wishing that other person would suffer or see the light—we’re able to act in ways that feel genuine and supportive to ourselves and our kids.
4. Parallel parenting is worth the expense. If we’re parallel parenting and we are the ones thinking of our kids needs and paying for all their stuff, then we have two options. One is to just pay for the things and the other is to pay for the things and feel resentful, stressed out, and frustrated by it. It’s our choice. If we’re not going to court, then we are not going to strong arm our coparent into paying for half of the things. And it is a genuine sacrifice to our freedom and well-being if we are beholden to the belief that it should be fair, or that we can’t or shouldn’t have to pay for stuff ourselves. It also sacrifices what’s best for the kids, because they’re going to be put in the middle of the conflict if we’re fighting with our ex over that $120 pair of wrestling shoes. Real freedom can be found when we’re willing to let go of the idea that our coparent should be parenting in the same ways we are.
5. Still married? Ask for a raise. Wages for stay-at-home moms is a controversial topic, but I’ve encountered enough women in abusive or otherwise unhealthy marriages to believe that this should be a given. Just because you “reap” the benefits of being married to a provider doesn’t mean your work at home is not a “job.” You’re probably working your ass off, so you deserve money of your own. Just because society since the beginning of time has not given SAHM’s wages doesn’t mean you can’t start now. I recognize that in some marriages it’s not safe to ask for this, but if you can, ask your spouse for a little cash of your own (a paycheck, as it were) and squirrel it away in a high-yield savings account that you maintain just for yourself. If you’re thinking of leaving your partner, you’re gonna want some money of your own.
There are great benefits to being financially free from your ex. If you’re able to get out of your marriage and can begin to break free from the toxic dynamic of high conflict you will be at an even greater advantage when you free yourself from as many financial ties to your ex as you possibly can. Remember, the two things coparents fight over most are custody and money (“kids and stuff” as we say in family law mediation) and if you’ve crafted a solid parenting agreement, and don’t stray from it, you won’t have many custody arguments. Likewise, if you are clear on what you will and will not pay for, you never, ever have to ask your ex to pay for anything else. And if it’s a grey area, you’re probably better off paying for it yourself than reaching out to start a conversation about it. The benefits of this are far-reaching. Becoming financially free from your ex—especially if they were the breadwinner in the marriage—is one of the most empowering steps you can take towards being your own autonomous, self-reliant badass. I get that it may take years before you are able to buy all the things for your kids, to pay for the school lunches and the new sports gear, and everything else. But what it really takes is a belief in yourself that you build over time that de-programs the bs story that you need a man to be financially secure. Ask any woman over 30 if she was fed this lie and chances are she will answer with a resounding, “Hell yeah.” This is a centuries-old, societally held, possibly micro-chip implanted dogma that women are not able to provide for themselves and their kids without a man and it’s Simply. Not. True.
Meeting this story head-on takes guts, honesty, and frankly, some good budgeting. Sometimes the money and the time are there and sometimes they aren’t, and we have to be honest with ourselves, our employers, and our kids about that. There’ve been times when I’ve had to tell my kids we’ve got to wait to pay for something until the money is there. But the times that I’ve been able to just pay for something they needed without worry, and without thinking how unfair it is that their other parent won’t split it with me have made me feel freer than almost anything else in divorce—and at times you can feel pretty free as a divorced woman. Look closely and with deep scrutiny at the voice that tells you that you need your husband’s money to be a provider for your family. Be very suspicious of the fear that you can’t make it on your own. No matter how loud that voice and how empty your checking account may be, we are all able to create the life we want for ourselves and our kids. And just because your ex is supposed to pay for certain things doesn’t mean he will. So rather than colluding with other unhappy mothers on Social, find other women who have done it themselves (and there are plenty). Women who came from abusive men who held all the money and the power in the family, wielded it over their wives without any remorse, and threatened to ruin them forever if they left. And not only did they leave, but they built something for themselves that allowed them to flourish and thrive. Follow all the financial gurus that align with your principles, that tell you that you are enough and that you are worthy, and who teach you to manage your money like a boss. Get support wherever you can—your family, your friends, your community. And don’t be ashamed. It’s a deeply fucked up society that teaches women all at once that we can’t provide, that we’re shameful if we ask for help, and that we’re frivolous when we buy what we want and need.
We must choose freedom. We must look deeply at ourselves and our bank accounts and say, if there was no coparent, if he fell off the face of the earth, how would I pay for this? And then we just have to do it. And if we can’t, we have a great convo with our kids about money, budgets, and what things are worth, a lesson none of us are too young to learn. No guilt, no “your dad…,” no poor me, nothing. Either the money is there, it will be there later, or it won’t, and here’s what we’ll do at our house, in our family. Leave your ex out of it. I promise you, the freedom you feel from not expecting your ex to pay, while it may stress your wallet, will be a huge support to your independence. Pay for things yourself because it equals your freedom. Pay for things yourself when you want to and when you can. And pay for things yourself because it sets you free from conflict.
